Today, was a sick day. In the midst of several consecutive busy weeks, I was glued to the couch for the entirety of the day to do one thing – nothing. Usually, these days come with open arms. Like most of us, I almost never give myself a chance to slow down and have a day of true sabbath. But, strangely, today felt much different.
This semester has been one filled with feelings of academic inadequacy, doubt, fear of the future, and mundane living. It hasn’t been all bad, Krystal and Atlas help keep day-to-day life entertaining and fun, but nearly everything else seems to be pulling me down. Sick days come easy when you feel like you deserve one, but when you feel like you’re a piece of shit, well, the sick days aren’t as blissful.
Those who know me, don’t freak out. Grandma, I’m okay! This is a tough season, like all the others it will be just that – a season. I understand that these tough times are temporary and many of the fears and doubts I have now will be short-lived. Got it. However, in times like these, we cannot let disparity lead to apathy. Put differently, I cannot let this sick day and all the depressing movies I watched during it make me pity myself and live life in neutral.
For me, this pity and how it manifests itself is far more internal than external. My insecurities come almost exclusively from the mind. This doesn’t mean I do not have bodily insecurities, rather that they take a backseat to others. Point is this: On days like today, I can’t place too much emphasis on the little things and I have to understand that days like today do not define me. If they did, I really would be the piece of shit I mentioned earlier (Sorry, grandma)!
If there were to be a purpose behind this post (not that there is) it would be this: We’ve got to be comfortable with not performing at peak capacity 24/7 and we have to enjoy life when it slows down. Not wishing for it to speed up or trying to produce distractions but simply to enjoy the pause. Jesus got up early each morning to do this – I wait until my body gets angry and forces me to for a couple days. I think Jesus had it more figured out than me (shocker).
I haven’t posted much and nor will I for the next couple months. School is nuts, hardest schooling I’ve ever done, and life is just busy. I hope to send a piece or two off for publishing before June, so keep it real until then. Thanks for staying with me through the sick days.